Charlene. cHarlene. chArlene. chaRlene. charLene. charlEne. charleNe. charlenE.

new blog

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 07:05:48 GMT

hello.
i've relocated to:

http://stoneandzebra.blogspot.com

ouch. OUCH.

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:01:39 GMT

Please do not step on my left foot tomorrow.
Big reminder.
Your caution will be greatly appreciated by me.
Thank you a lot.

My pain forces me to be unable to elaborate on what happened.
Please pardon me for my insolence.
I beseech you to get out of my way when I walk near you, for I may be susceptible to sudden outbursts of unexpected screams and cries of pain, should you, mind you (I emphasise the world ‘should’), trample upon my little toe which had been causing me tremendous and utmost horror for the past two hours or so.
Please be wary.

Your co-operation will be greatly appreciated by me, and certainly by my little toe.

oh creep!

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 04:26:35 GMT

drama yesterday was erm..
no comments.
shri was undoubtedly the oscar actress! :D
her outfit was oh so amazing.

damn
jaspreet didn't come in the end ):
so gareth, peiyi and i just hung around.
ACSI boys are crazy.
TOTALLY.
made a fool out of themselves.
halfway gareth even went screaming "GABRIEL"
and i swear the entire group of people turned to look at us.
that was so bloody embarrassing!
:X

hmmm jeevan acted pretty well too :D

HAHAHA gareth thought sherrie was good! and clara!
so it was quite funny when peiyi kept poking me to get the numbers of those two girls and ended up getting whacked by gareth.
crazy boys.

so after the show i went to give the flowers to the dear t35 people.
that kinda rounded up the drama production.

after saying goodbyes i cabbed to sahara's!
yes!
that place was so awesome yesterday night.
i thought i saw stone.
haha but it turned out to be someone else i think.

i didn't drink at all last night!
so i am now a good girl.
only took a couple of juices and chips, that's all.

after that kristina and i went walking down the quay.
our friendship felt so different now.
chris and kristie are now engaged.
so kristina and i technically, aren't friends anymore.
but we don't want our friendship to disintegrate and changed into something else.
we wanted it to remain all the same.

we hung around till 2 am plus.
chatting about everything.
i've not had such a good talk with her in a long time.
just the two of us.

she told me about how much she missed me and nat <33
she wanted me to go visit her in perth often.
then when it came to the topic of stone, she was quite silent.
she really couldn't say anything.
she didn't want to.
me too.
i don't want to talk about it.

it just felt different in these couple of days.
he and i seemed to be on pretty good terms last week or so, but i feel that things have changed in these couple of days.
we aren't talking on such good terms anymore and the stares he gave me were filled with ignorance and anger.
at least that is what i think.

oh well.
life sucks, doesn't it?

can stones be jerks?
or are they already jerks?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAZREEN :D :D :D

creepy jerk

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:43:47 GMT

He is the jerk and that is official.
A few reasons why.

Firstly, like Russell, he was educated in a boys’ school for ten years.

Secondly, he was intelligent enough to say “oh, don’t you like such a jerk?” to me in public.
Mind you, in public.

Thirdly, he was smart enough to tell me “it was just a joke”.
He had no idea how flushed my face became, at that instant, did he?

What the hell.
This is just so so irritating.

Urgh.

should i stop loving him?

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 05:57:39 GMT

I am foolish am I not, to cry for a person who will not even bother a small bit? I am so naïve, to think that he will actually stop to ponder about why I had shed my tears for him. These questions were already fluctuating in my mind before Friday, but when I heard about what had happened to him, the teardrops just fell, uncontrollably. On Thursday night, I spoke to Kristina. We were supposed to talk about Natalyn’s commemoration ceremony on Friday, but we spent the two hours on the phone talking about me instead. She felt that I had overdone it. She had said that it was not worth it to cry for one stupid guy and waste my time on it. This, I am fully aware, because she isn’t the first person to tell me about it. Many others had advised me about this to. Gretchen, Hansel, Stephanie, Celine, Tianye, and many others, just to name a few. In fact, his sister had also been nice enough to offer me advice here and there. But I guess I was too foolish not to heed all these good advice. Actually, it is not about me not wanting to heed the advice, but rather, I find it so difficult and intricate too. After reading his sister’s messages that night, I felt that it is time for me to let him go and just continue with my life, from wherever I had stopped at before meeting him. It was very painful to make that decision, but for my sake and his sake, I had to. I do not want to be a burden to him and I just want him to be happy. That night, I really couldn’t sleep. My mind was cluttered with way too many thoughts.

The next day, things were very much blurry. Thank goodness I had three breaks in a five hour day, so things were not too bad. But the worse thing struck after school. I had spent the whole morning getting accustomed to a day without thinking or seeing him at all and I had gone pretty fine. For once, I was not angry with myself for not having him in my mind. However, he just had to do that one stupid thing to make me cry again. Russell told me that he had stupidly set fire in class onto whoever-knows-what, and got caught by Mrs Tie. Okay, fine, I can understand if this was committed by stupid little secondary school boys. But him? A college student. He should be responsible for the safety of himself and of that of the other people in his class. When Russell told me about it, I cried. I cried not because I blamed him for being a total idiot in this incident, but because I was so scared that he will have hurt himself in any way from it. Fire on deodorant, this is very explosive and flammable. What if he had injured himself? What if he was hurt? I bet he never thought about this all. He never will. He is too selfish, even to himself, never sparing a thought for himself and those around him. Because of this stupid little incident, I spent the rest of the day stoning and not really doing anything. I wanted to text him to ask if he was alright, but I had to keep to the promise I made to myself and to his sister, I will not talk to him anymore. It is difficult, but I will try my best to adhere to it. 15 August felt so mundane and painful because of this. I had sinned, I was supposed to be remembering Natalyn, but I had spent my time, with someone else on my mind instead. I am sorry Nat. I really am. Honestly speaking, if I could kill myself, I would. Bryan, don’t think that I was kidding with you.

And what a way to end off crappy Friday. Detention. Four hours totally gone. I wanted to go to ACSI to catch the guitar concert, but my head was hurting too much, so I went back instead.

Retreat yesterday and it was quite a fulfilling day. I thought so much about life, made a confession and managed to talk to a few friends whom I really trusted. As I started writing affirmations for those I knew, I realised that I had been a terrible friend to all those who had rendered me help in one way or another. I had sinned. I was intolerant towards many of them and had in some way, irritated them before. For this, I repent. Priest Michael enlightened me a great deal. He told me during my confession that loving someone was not a sin. It is not being able to love someone all the way, which is sinful. I told him about the time I had wasted liking stone and all. But he said, those were not times wasted. Those were times when I had grew up. He told me to think about how Jesus had sacrificed himself because he loved us so much and I was struck by this phrase of his “love others like yourself, treasure others like yourself, it is only when you love and treasure yourself, will you be able to love and treasure others”. I will start loving and treasuring myself, for I do not know how long more I will live. Maybe I will die tomorrow or something? I have no idea.

So I guess this wraps up a horrid week. Hopefully tomorrow will be greater day for me and others. Alright, I am going to eat my medicine now and perhaps grab some sleep. Will update soon if time and mood permits.

Peace.

natalyn

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 12:39:59 GMT

i can't believe the years just flowed by so quickly.
nat and me.
we just parted like that.

that one incident.
it was unavoidable, yet i knew i could have prevented it from happening somehow.
8 years on.
i've said sorry countless times to her photo, but i know she will never hear me.
the three of us, will never have those happy times again.

it sounds stupid, but i've been hating myself all these while.
i could have been more sensitive to my surroundings and taken care of her, yet i had failed to do so.
i know that aunty eliz had already taken things in her stride and treats me like her daughter, but i know that i will never be able to replace what she had lost.
every year, on this day. i will cry.
this year, i will try not to.
i want to remember nat and love her like before.
i want her to see me smile as i am sure a saint like her went to heaven.

i love you natalyn. i really do.
i am sorry.
15-08-2000
i will remember this day.

rest in peace, bestie.
you know that i still adore you like before.
and i will take care of aunty eliz.

do you think i should tell him what happened?

prayers

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 12:18:44 GMT

tonight i am,
praying for good health
praying for joy
praying for happiness
praying for satisfaction
praying for world peace
praying for simple pleasures to be made possible
praying for wisdom in making decisions
praying for safety for those not at home
praying for smiles on peoples' faces
praying for eternal bliss
praying for friendship
praying for hope
praying for reunion

and

praying for him to be happy.

amen.

ah, and yes.
he is a teddy bear now (:

nat.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 09:10:22 GMT

these few days had been extremely torturous.
sleeping at 4am and waking up one hour later, finding myself drenched in sweat.
those horrifying nightmares.
those creepy recurring images.

yes i know why.
that day is coming in a few days' time.
15 august.
that fateful day eight years ago.
i can't believe time flew by so fast.
those scary water waves.
eight years ago.

I <3 CJC TRACK! (:
GO CJTRACK 0809 (:
revive the glory!

190/195/212

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:57:26 GMT

How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be
Oh I, I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world, my heart, my soul

If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything good in my life
And tell me now

How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live

Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There'd be no world left for me
And I, oh Baby, I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in my life
And tell me now

How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live

Please tell me baby
How do I go on

If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything
Need you with me
Baby don't you know that you're everything good in my life
And tell me now

How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live

how do I live without you
how do I live without you baby
how do I live....

today feels weird and uncomfortable.
i think it is because of the rainy night and probably also due to the fact that it is been 190 days since teddy debt and 195 days since the 26th january.
i suddenly miss him alot.
as i stared at the photos that all of us took together as a group, my eyes were only focused on one face, that face.
it is really weird.
why him?
why was it him that i had liked?
why wasn't it somebody else? someone who won't take it for granted.
i had blamed myself for being foolish countless times.
but not as much as today.
yes i was foolish.
why can't i just come out of it?
why can't i just stop liking him and doing this for him, which i jolly well know that he wouldn't appreciate?
WHY?!?
his impassiveness should have prevented me from going on with it, but i just couldn't. freak me.
but it is not his fault.
he didn't ask for anything.
nor did he want me to like him.
why am i so stupid and foolish?

frankly speaking, it was partially because of you that i returned. i knew that you wouldn't be happy if i did. but i was selfish, and only wanted myself to be happy, to know that you are around me, somewhere near, somewhere not too far or distant. if really, my love for you is causing you so much agony, i will retract it. but please, give me some time, because if i do it right away and all at one go, i will be unable to take it. the feeling of taking back love that was given out is very very painful. i will take it away bit by bit and keep it in a safe place. should you accept it one day, i will return it all to you. everything. every morsel. up till today, i still love you, no matter how much i say you are an ass or idiot or zebra or chicken or stone.

oh man.
i feel so so terrible now. but i still have stupid lit to do.
damn. i should have completed it earlier.
oh well.
hopefully i will be well enough to go to school tomorrow.
i HAVE TO celebrate yati's birthday for her.
she was there for me all these time, when i needed her and this is only what i should do, as a friend.

STUPID STONE! ARE YOU REALLY IGNORANT ABOUT ALL THESE? DO YOU REALLY NOT KNOW?!?

people, please do not spam or comment badly about this post.
i beg you.
just leave this post alone.
read it and keep it as it is.
please give me a little space for myself.
thank you.

thought for thoughts

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:06:56 GMT

I haven’t really posted insightful things in quite a while. I guess this is because I had been studying really a lot these days. Well, at least the tests are over for now and I have slightly more time to post today. I just completed written report for PW and it is really awesome looking! The charts and tables looked really good (:

These few days had been quite good, in academic terms. I studied, so that is why I feel quite comfortable after the tests. At least I don’t whine about it and curse. I managed to finish math quite fast today and slept for around 15 minutes I think. I finished the paper in 20 minutes. It was quite a nice paper. So, hopefully I will do okay. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Hmm. Nothing very insightful these days, except for the weird little observations here and there. School life’s pretty much bleak, with work piling and deadlines reaching; nonetheless, it is quite manageable. My work’s all punctual now. Although the quality may not be there, I am quite glad that I don’t get tutors screaming at me. (:

080808 in a days’ time! Quite a handful of events going on that day. National day celebration, Olympics 08 commencement, party in town, Amos’s performance and of course, YATI’S BIRTHDAY! So many events crammed into one day is no good. It makes me feel suffocated and disorganised. I will prefer it if things came one by one. But oh well, things like that happen all the time, so there is nothing much I can do about it.

Today was the start of religious class after such a long hiatus. Somehow, I felt that it was rather empty. Not in terms of numbers, but in terms of the enthusiasm and participation. The spark was lacking. Perhaps, things will change for the better in the subsequent sessions. I don’t know, let’s wait and see.

I was just looking through my organiser and started marking out important days in the fourth quarter of the year. Promos seem so near. Less than 50 days. This is very scary, because I just have so much work to cram. Now I finally know why ex-nanyang girls always return to nanyang, complaining about how terrible college life is. I am actually regretting it now. I should have treasured more of my days in nanyang and not complained so much. Although it is undeniable that cjc and nanyang cannot be compared because one is a college and the other a high school, both are immensely different and are stark contrasts to each other. Nanyang is an all-girls Chinese school, while cjc is a mixed school of mixed races. So it is very different and it feels very different to be submerged into these two different cultures. But anyhow, it is quite adaptable. At least, it is better than the culture shock I received when I went back to London.

Back to the calendar, today marks the 188th day after my birthday and also the 188th day from THAT deadline. No one will know what it means, he is the only person who will understand this. Time seriously transcends so fast. The events that happened in January are still vivid in my head. Especially the series of events which occurred on the night of 26th January. I will forever remember them.

Oh well. This is life. Time passes faster like light and opportunities often go by without us knowing it. It is only when we lose it, before we realise how much it means to us.

Today, I realised this. I love everybody around me, despite who they are or what they are. More importantly, I love them because I may have sinned against them and it is only through pure love and adornment for them can I salvage the harm I’ve caused.

love. like. no. other.

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 13:15:59 GMT

That day, she said this to me. She told me that her love for him was like no other. I was so touched by her words and was so captivated by its meaning. “Love like no other.” How is this “no other” differentiated from the clear boundaries? Are there shady clouds hovering over this thin line of difference? She was a noble lady. In fact, she still is, up till now. Her love, “like no other”, although failed to keep him by her side, she does not regret. Because she was happy during the times which they had been together. The love, like no other. It was worthwhile, it was genuine. It was true love between the two of them. Though the time was short, she was happy. He was her prince and the thought of him being happy, was sufficient to keep her alive.

“If you knew that you only had that few days to live, how will you live through them? How will you fully utilize those few moments of your life? How can you be sure that you will leave this place a happy person, with no regrets, no pain and no misgivings? How can you be sure that the person you leave behind, will remember you for no matter how long he lives? It is the love like no other that explains this.”

I LOVE MY CLASS!! (:
charlene <33333333333 1T35!!

my heart really aches. ):

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:27:30 GMT

life.
it is only when you lose something, before you realise how much it means to you.
it is only when something falls through your fingers, before you realise that you can't live without it.
when it is absent, the void strains your heart and everything seems to stop.

you want it.
you need it.
you really need to have it.

you can't live without it.
not for one day.
not for one hour.
not for one minute.
not for one second.

not for one moment.

i need that one thing to keep me alive, to keep me breathing.
my oxygen.

Je ne peux pas vivre sans toi. Il est pour toi, j'a survécu jusqu'à aujourd'hui.

that certain type of horse seem to entice me alot.
that kind with stripes.

i wonder if such horses lived in a place where there are stones.
hmm.

wtf

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 01:18:19 GMT

i am damn pissed with one big fat person now.
what the hell.
i was cracking my brain, getting whatever useful/relevant things i can for pw and i am being accused of 'gallivanting' around, breaking into SOMEBODY's com.
wtf.
don't believe me right?
look i don't fucking care.
i have found my documents and i can answer to my CONSCIENCE.

i don't have to answer to anybody else.

bleargh bleargh BLEARGH

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 10:28:16 GMT

karan seriously pissed me off totally today.
i am too angry to elaborate on it.
what the hell.
where's his pledge about being nice and all?
angelina was right.
he never meant to keep to what he says.

death. today.

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:48:21 GMT

I died today.
I will never be alive nor be redeemed again.
Today.
My life ended.

it is now time to move on. the swansong completed.

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 04:55:39 GMT

I just cannot believe it went by so fast. The thirteen years of ballet wonder, ended yesterday night. I had promised myself that yesterday night was the last time I wore my pointes. Before the performance, I was so afraid. I was scared that I will fail the expectations everyone has in place for me. I was afraid that I will let them down. More importantly, I am scared that I will let myself down.

This was the last time and I wanted it to be perfect, flawless and spectacular. It had to be the best that I could give. It had to be the most amazing showcase in my life; after all, it will be the last. As I stepped onto the platform, I looked at the audience. There were so many people. So many pairs of eyes staring at the stage. It only needed one mistake to ruin the whole show. Thus, I put my full concentration on the dance. I was glad that it turned out faultless. Shi-yi and I did alright. We made no mistakes, created no flaws and enjoyed ourselves greatly.

After the showcase ended, I was not really in the mood to go for supper with them, so I just came back instead. It was yesterday night that I truly realised what a big cry-baby I was. I actually cried many times last night. I cried before the performance because I was so scared. I cried backstage after my dance as I was sad that it was over. I cried when I got home because I really don’t know what’s left of me. It is weird that I used to complain and whine so much about how tiring rehearsals and practices were.

Now, I really hope that I could go through that entire phase once again. I wouldn’t mind enduring all those tiring rehearsals again. I wouldn’t mind it at all. In fact, I will be more than willing to put in those extra hours. I want those moments again. But, thinking logically, it is impossible for me to turn back time. So, the only thing I can do now will be to cherish all that I have.

Ending my ballet journey here isn’t really a regret or a waste. It is perhaps, just the inability to accept this fact so fast. But I guess I can cope with it.

Now that the chapter of ballet in my life has closed, I can put my focus back to studies, and also track. I had neglected track on many occasions for ballet, so it is now time to give it back. I had missed more trainings than any other of those in the team, so I have to work extra hard now. I had compromised a lot of my study time, so I have to put in extra hours to work on my studies now.

At least, I have very good memories of ballet and this is something which I am very glad and I will not regret.

The swansong completed. It is time to move on.

My swansong. My final dance

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 10:18:58 GMT

The countless eyes that will stare at me
As I take my steps up the platform
This will be the last time
I do this
Never more than before, had I cherished this moment.

I used to wait anxiously for this to come
But when it came, I resisted
So much for all the practices
So much for all the sweat put in
The confidence that I used to have when I stepped on the stage
Depleted
Removed
Replaced by fear.

Looking at the golden hue of the sun
Convincing myself that all will be fine seemed futile
It all took that one moment
That one dance
That one mistake
To destroy what I had achieved.

This had to be a flawless showing
One that was perfect and sensual.

Nothing can go wrong
For my passion for it exudes my willingness to sparkle in it
I’ve come thy far
No further can I intrude.

The last chance to prove that I can do it
All lies in my greatest fear and pessimism
Yet I was certain that with the thought of him in my mind
Smooth-sailing it will be.

It had to be spectacular.

This is the last time
Neither more chances nor opportunities will stand in my path again.

As the colour of the sky transgresses from bright to dark
The hue of the sun slowly becomes the cold night
But the stars that will appear soon symbolise the last hopes I carry.

Ballet under the stars.
It is named for this purpose and fashion.

As I pirouette and do the pointes for the final time
I thank those who made my journey possible.

It will end tonight
Not with regret or agony
But with utmost joy, memories and happiness.

My swansong.
My final dance.

Go, girl.

-----------------------------------------------------------
will he be there?

interesting discovery

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:31:21 GMT

this is something which i got from an email.
very good read.

A TEENAGER'S VIEW OF HEAVEN

17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. 'I wowed 'em,' he later told his father, Bruce. 'It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote..' It also was the last.

Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.

The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. 'I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it,' Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. 'I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him.'

Brian's Essay: The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read 'Girls I have liked.' I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalogue system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named 'Friends' was next to one marked 'Friends I have betrayed.' The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird 'Books I Have Read,' 'Lies I Have Told,' 'Comfort I have Given,' 'Jokes I Have Laughed at ' Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: 'Things I've yelled at my brothers.' Others I couldn't laugh at: 'Things I Have Done in My Anger', 'Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.' I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked 'TV Shows I have watched', I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked 'Lustful Thoughts,' I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards. No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!' In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it.. The title bore 'People I Have Shared the Gospel With.' The handle was brighter than those around it, seemed newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. 'No!' I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was 'No, no,' as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, 'It is finished.' I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.' -Phil. 4:13 'For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.' -John 3:16. "And God demonstrates His love to us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us," - Romans 5:8. If you feel the same way forward it so the love of Jesus will touch the lives of others also. My "People I shared the gospel with" file just got bigger, how about yours?

you and your stone face.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 10:25:46 GMT

at that moment when he gave me the gaze which said he didn't care, i felt like crying.
the back of my eyes felt warm and the tear drops seemed as though they will trickle down my face anytime.
was it so difficult to just say a simple hello or just smile?
was making me unhappy your one big greatest objective in life?

you cruel freak.

i really want to tell you straight in your face that i hated you.
but the way i felt was, otherwise.

i can't bring myself to hate you.

i know that this will die out one day.
but right now, i will do my best to keep it all going.
i don't want to forget you, let alone forsake you.
this is difficult, but i will walk through it, all by myself.

i like zebras (:

damn

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 13:32:27 GMT

I have withstood anger many times before, but not once was I so angry before. Never in my life had I been subjected to such ‘abandonment’ before. This is the first and I hope it will be the last. Last night, I was totally taken aback by his actions. He was weird and to a certain extent, unkind, mean and unreasonable. My first reaction was bewilderment, followed by anger. Just why did he have to do that? What wrong or sin have I committed? I really have no idea. He did not tell me and went offline abruptly. This issue sort of affected my mood for the whole day. Well, I cried when I wrote THAT letter to him. I don’t know why I did it, I just felt that I had to tell him how I felt. He knew very well who zebra was, but still kept talking about it.

Now, forget it. I don’t wish to talk about it anymore.

My whole body is aching after dance today. I fell down seven times. I just cannot do my turns properly. How come? The big big bruise on my knee is testament to my clumsiness and improper moves. How? BUTS is only one week away and I am so messed up and unprepared for it. I am really afraid that I will turn a beautiful showcase into a disaster. I am very worried about it. I feel incapable and useless. Why can’t I just do those ballet moves properly? I was trained in it and I was supposed to do well. That is why I was chosen by laoshi to stand in for liying when she is away. I had let laoshi down. I had fallen short of her expectations by a seriously big margin. I am so damn incompetent. I hate myself. I am so bloody useless! I am just a worthless piece of crap that means nothing to anybody, zebra included.

what a calm way to end a hectic day!

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:46:06 GMT

it feels lovely to see a smile when you are down.
those little notes do make a difference too.
and i particularly like those tiny gifts, those paper hand-made sweet little flowers.
thank you guys, for being there with me when i needed you guys the most.
i am infinitely grateful and indebted to you people.
without you guys, i am sure i would be unable to stand up on my feet again.
thank you, my BUTS buddies. (:

it is very painful to smile and look like you are happy, when your heart is actually aching, deep down inside.
this loss, this insecurity, this emptiness.
you know what is lacking and what is missing, but you just are unable to fill the spaces up and make it one, hard, solid, heart.
yet, the spaces will never be filled, for what is missing will always be missing, as the answer is never present.

these few days had been hard and painful, but i walked through them with the encouragement of those who matter so much to me.
i began to realise that 'hey, perhaps life isn't so bad after all, there are still things worth smiling and looking forward to.'
with these, i walked through day by day, hoping that things will turn out fine the next day.

it isn't so difficult to make life turn out better the next day actually.
you just have to pray hard, and work hard for it.
working hard is vital as it is only then, you are a true deserver of what you've toiled for.
at the same time, i believe God will lend a helping hand to those who will require His guidance and His salvation.
just pray with your heart and soul.
God never forsakes His child.
God is always there.

---------------------------------------------------------------
anyways. it was track finals today.
not very spectacular, but it was definitely exciting.
it was really touching (at least for me), to see the entire team congregating together, cheering for one another, despite that we may not know each other that well.
peixuan is AMAZING.
and so are the rest of the people there!
i promised bryan i will buy him lunch if he gets a medal in his 1500m race, but sadly, he didn't.
oh well, i am still considering if i should buy him lunch.
(grah. i stupidly promised to treat him at crystal jade!)
yes, and that boy genius actually memorised the entire periodic table! OMG!
this is insane.
but well, out of point here.
erm. yeah.
it was really fun at the stadium!
got to meet so many of my juniors! all these lovely nanyang girls (:
i felt like crying when liang hui, weiqing and hern hern teared.
they wanted so much and did so much, but what they got in return, definitely was not what they deserved.
but still, they did well. ultimately.
b div got overall third (: CHEERS TO NANYANG!
now i finally understand why mdm chew said this to me just now 'once a nanyang girl, always a nanyang girl'.
it is so so so so so so so so true.
yes. i have to admit that i really miss nanyang alot.
all the talk about saying how cheena it is and how ugly the uniform is, it is all superficial.
i love the school for what it is.

lesson learnt today: treasure what you have everyday, for you don't know what will slip out of your fingers tomorrow.

depair. absolute.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 10:41:56 GMT

when you feel the whole world crashing down on your shoulder, you want to give up living and simply stop breathing at that moment.
you feel that nothing means anything more to you anymore.
not even those things that kept you going in the past.

futile.
those wasted gestures.

they never reaped anything, did they?
was it all just a fallacy?
an unpredictable dream?

was it all to end here and now?

the oxygen supply that kept you going seemed to be decreasing by the second.
it was depleting.
every second.
every breath you took, your life was shortened.
you knew that it was going to end.

but you have no idea when exactly it will.
doomsday approaches, with your hopes in vain, for you know that nothing will concrete.
everything is just what you thought and what you expected.

nothingness breeds nothing.

you want to know when it ends, but all you know is that it is ending.
you never know the due date no matter how much you want to.

the suspense.
that cruel wait.
that killer moment.

it is nobody's fault, but mine.

PW SURVEY

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:57:23 GMT

hello (:

kindly help out with my group's pw survey.
instructions are on teh survey itself.
thank you! (:

(click the link to open)
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=G88oBFC5_2fgGfwke9sgMQaA_3d_3d

this is very idiot proof.
really. trust me.

fishsticks

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 07:45:36 GMT

have you ever had the feeling of trying so hard, yet you never received pretty results?
this is so insulting.

you feel that the whole world is crashing down.
this inescapability of death.
you have no idea what is awaiting you.
because you are so busy being sad.

a little interesting quiz

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:26:04 GMT

alrights.
here's a little quiz i took from rachael's blog.
check it out.

name 20 people you can think of right now.

1) daddy
2) mommy
3) christopher
4) christian
5) stone
6) nathan
7) angeline
8) claire
9) kimberly
10) calvin
11) carol
12) jennifer
13) juliana
14) kristina
15) ruiting
16) shi-yi
17) nicolette
18) michael jeremiah
19) jialong
20) laoshi (sdt coach)

how did you meet 14?
knew each other since we were kids (: our parents are really close friends.

what would you do if you'd never met 1?
never be around.

what if 9 and 20 dated?
disaster, totally, laoshi will literally bite kim’s head off.

will 16 and 17 date?
interesting outcome, perhaps they should be matchmade.

describe 3.
indispensable, he may be irritating at times, but still loved by me all the same (:

describe 7.
the lady who withstood my childishness and immaturity for 17 years and counting, gratitude from me to her.

what would you do if 18 confesses that he/she likes you?
oh goodness, that person is still a baby.

who is 9 going out with?
some acsi guy, that’s what my friend said.

when was the last time you talked to 13?
2 weeks ago!

who is 2's favourite band/singer?
abba

would you ever date 4?
oh shit yes!

would you ever date 1?
nope, he’s taken by the woman i love most in my life.

is 19 single?
yes, very sure.

would you ever be in with 11?
God, no, she's my best buddy (:

school of 3?
he graduated from school already!

where does 6 live?
London!

what do you like about 5?
can’t think of something i don’t. (: (:

have you ever seen 10 naked?
NO and i dare not, i’m a good lil’ girl.