Big reminder.
Your caution will be greatly appreciated by me.
Thank you a lot.
My pain forces me to be unable to elaborate on what happened.
Please pardon me for my insolence.
I beseech you to get out of my way when I walk near you, for I may be susceptible to sudden outbursts of unexpected screams and cries of pain, should you, mind you (I emphasise the world ‘should’), trample upon my little toe which had been causing me tremendous and utmost horror for the past two hours or so.
Please be wary.
Your co-operation will be greatly appreciated by me, and certainly by my little toe.
- Mood:
numb
no comments.
shri was undoubtedly the oscar actress! :D
her outfit was oh so amazing.
damn
jaspreet didn't come in the end ):
so gareth, peiyi and i just hung around.
ACSI boys are crazy.
TOTALLY.
made a fool out of themselves.
halfway gareth even went screaming "GABRIEL"
and i swear the entire group of people turned to look at us.
that was so bloody embarrassing!
:X
hmmm jeevan acted pretty well too :D
HAHAHA gareth thought sherrie was good! and clara!
so it was quite funny when peiyi kept poking me to get the numbers of those two girls and ended up getting whacked by gareth.
crazy boys.
so after the show i went to give the flowers to the dear t35 people.
that kinda rounded up the drama production.
after saying goodbyes i cabbed to sahara's!
yes!
that place was so awesome yesterday night.
i thought i saw stone.
haha but it turned out to be someone else i think.
i didn't drink at all last night!
so i am now a good girl.
only took a couple of juices and chips, that's all.
after that kristina and i went walking down the quay.
our friendship felt so different now.
chris and kristie are now engaged.
so kristina and i technically, aren't friends anymore.
but we don't want our friendship to disintegrate and changed into something else.
we wanted it to remain all the same.
we hung around till 2 am plus.
chatting about everything.
i've not had such a good talk with her in a long time.
just the two of us.
she told me about how much she missed me and nat <33
she wanted me to go visit her in perth often.
then when it came to the topic of stone, she was quite silent.
she really couldn't say anything.
she didn't want to.
me too.
i don't want to talk about it.
it just felt different in these couple of days.
he and i seemed to be on pretty good terms last week or so, but i feel that things have changed in these couple of days.
we aren't talking on such good terms anymore and the stares he gave me were filled with ignorance and anger.
at least that is what i think.
oh well.
life sucks, doesn't it?
can stones be jerks?
or are they already jerks?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAZREEN :D :D :D
A few reasons why.
Firstly, like Russell, he was educated in a boys’ school for ten years.
Secondly, he was intelligent enough to say “oh, don’t you like such a jerk?” to me in public.
Mind you, in public.
Thirdly, he was smart enough to tell me “it was just a joke”.
He had no idea how flushed my face became, at that instant, did he?
What the hell.
This is just so so irritating.
Urgh.
- Mood:
blah
The next day, things were very much blurry. Thank goodness I had three breaks in a five hour day, so things were not too bad. But the worse thing struck after school. I had spent the whole morning getting accustomed to a day without thinking or seeing him at all and I had gone pretty fine. For once, I was not angry with myself for not having him in my mind. However, he just had to do that one stupid thing to make me cry again. Russell told me that he had stupidly set fire in class onto whoever-knows-what, and got caught by Mrs Tie. Okay, fine, I can understand if this was committed by stupid little secondary school boys. But him? A college student. He should be responsible for the safety of himself and of that of the other people in his class. When Russell told me about it, I cried. I cried not because I blamed him for being a total idiot in this incident, but because I was so scared that he will have hurt himself in any way from it. Fire on deodorant, this is very explosive and flammable. What if he had injured himself? What if he was hurt? I bet he never thought about this all. He never will. He is too selfish, even to himself, never sparing a thought for himself and those around him. Because of this stupid little incident, I spent the rest of the day stoning and not really doing anything. I wanted to text him to ask if he was alright, but I had to keep to the promise I made to myself and to his sister, I will not talk to him anymore. It is difficult, but I will try my best to adhere to it. 15 August felt so mundane and painful because of this. I had sinned, I was supposed to be remembering Natalyn, but I had spent my time, with someone else on my mind instead. I am sorry Nat. I really am. Honestly speaking, if I could kill myself, I would. Bryan, don’t think that I was kidding with you.
And what a way to end off crappy Friday. Detention. Four hours totally gone. I wanted to go to ACSI to catch the guitar concert, but my head was hurting too much, so I went back instead.
Retreat yesterday and it was quite a fulfilling day. I thought so much about life, made a confession and managed to talk to a few friends whom I really trusted. As I started writing affirmations for those I knew, I realised that I had been a terrible friend to all those who had rendered me help in one way or another. I had sinned. I was intolerant towards many of them and had in some way, irritated them before. For this, I repent. Priest Michael enlightened me a great deal. He told me during my confession that loving someone was not a sin. It is not being able to love someone all the way, which is sinful. I told him about the time I had wasted liking stone and all. But he said, those were not times wasted. Those were times when I had grew up. He told me to think about how Jesus had sacrificed himself because he loved us so much and I was struck by this phrase of his “love others like yourself, treasure others like yourself, it is only when you love and treasure yourself, will you be able to love and treasure others”. I will start loving and treasuring myself, for I do not know how long more I will live. Maybe I will die tomorrow or something? I have no idea.
So I guess this wraps up a horrid week. Hopefully tomorrow will be greater day for me and others. Alright, I am going to eat my medicine now and perhaps grab some sleep. Will update soon if time and mood permits.
Peace.
- Mood:
confused
nat and me.
we just parted like that.
that one incident.
it was unavoidable, yet i knew i could have prevented it from happening somehow.
8 years on.
i've said sorry countless times to her photo, but i know she will never hear me.
the three of us, will never have those happy times again.
it sounds stupid, but i've been hating myself all these while.
i could have been more sensitive to my surroundings and taken care of her, yet i had failed to do so.
i know that aunty eliz had already taken things in her stride and treats me like her daughter, but i know that i will never be able to replace what she had lost.
every year, on this day. i will cry.
this year, i will try not to.
i want to remember nat and love her like before.
i want her to see me smile as i am sure a saint like her went to heaven.
i love you natalyn. i really do.
i am sorry.
15-08-2000
i will remember this day.
rest in peace, bestie.
you know that i still adore you like before.
and i will take care of aunty eliz.
do you think i should tell him what happened?
- Mood: gloomy
praying for good health
praying for joy
praying for happiness
praying for satisfaction
praying for world peace
praying for simple pleasures to be made possible
praying for wisdom in making decisions
praying for safety for those not at home
praying for smiles on peoples' faces
praying for eternal bliss
praying for friendship
praying for hope
praying for reunion
and
praying for him to be happy.
amen.
ah, and yes.
he is a teddy bear now (:
- Mood:
quixotic
sleeping at 4am and waking up one hour later, finding myself drenched in sweat.
those horrifying nightmares.
those creepy recurring images.
yes i know why.
that day is coming in a few days' time.
15 august.
that fateful day eight years ago.
i can't believe time flew by so fast.
those scary water waves.
eight years ago.
I <3 CJC TRACK! (:
GO CJTRACK 0809 (:
revive the glory!
- Mood:
tired
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be
Oh I, I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world, my heart, my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything good in my life
And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live
Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There'd be no world left for me
And I, oh Baby, I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in my life
And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live
Please tell me baby
How do I go on
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything
Need you with me
Baby don't you know that you're everything good in my life
And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live
how do I live without you
how do I live without you baby
how do I live....
today feels weird and uncomfortable.
i think it is because of the rainy night and probably also due to the fact that it is been 190 days since teddy debt and 195 days since the 26th january.
i suddenly miss him alot.
as i stared at the photos that all of us took together as a group, my eyes were only focused on one face, that face.
it is really weird.
why him?
why was it him that i had liked?
why wasn't it somebody else? someone who won't take it for granted.
i had blamed myself for being foolish countless times.
but not as much as today.
yes i was foolish.
why can't i just come out of it?
why can't i just stop liking him and doing this for him, which i jolly well know that he wouldn't appreciate?
WHY?!?
his impassiveness should have prevented me from going on with it, but i just couldn't. freak me.
but it is not his fault.
he didn't ask for anything.
nor did he want me to like him.
why am i so stupid and foolish?
frankly speaking, it was partially because of you that i returned. i knew that you wouldn't be happy if i did. but i was selfish, and only wanted myself to be happy, to know that you are around me, somewhere near, somewhere not too far or distant. if really, my love for you is causing you so much agony, i will retract it. but please, give me some time, because if i do it right away and all at one go, i will be unable to take it. the feeling of taking back love that was given out is very very painful. i will take it away bit by bit and keep it in a safe place. should you accept it one day, i will return it all to you. everything. every morsel. up till today, i still love you, no matter how much i say you are an ass or idiot or zebra or chicken or stone.
oh man.
i feel so so terrible now. but i still have stupid lit to do.
damn. i should have completed it earlier.
oh well.
hopefully i will be well enough to go to school tomorrow.
i HAVE TO celebrate yati's birthday for her.
she was there for me all these time, when i needed her and this is only what i should do, as a friend.
STUPID STONE! ARE YOU REALLY IGNORANT ABOUT ALL THESE? DO YOU REALLY NOT KNOW?!?
people, please do not spam or comment badly about this post.
i beg you.
just leave this post alone.
read it and keep it as it is.
please give me a little space for myself.
thank you.
- Mood: sad
These few days had been quite good, in academic terms. I studied, so that is why I feel quite comfortable after the tests. At least I don’t whine about it and curse. I managed to finish math quite fast today and slept for around 15 minutes I think. I finished the paper in 20 minutes. It was quite a nice paper. So, hopefully I will do okay. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Hmm. Nothing very insightful these days, except for the weird little observations here and there. School life’s pretty much bleak, with work piling and deadlines reaching; nonetheless, it is quite manageable. My work’s all punctual now. Although the quality may not be there, I am quite glad that I don’t get tutors screaming at me. (:
080808 in a days’ time! Quite a handful of events going on that day. National day celebration, Olympics 08 commencement, party in town, Amos’s performance and of course, YATI’S BIRTHDAY! So many events crammed into one day is no good. It makes me feel suffocated and disorganised. I will prefer it if things came one by one. But oh well, things like that happen all the time, so there is nothing much I can do about it.
Today was the start of religious class after such a long hiatus. Somehow, I felt that it was rather empty. Not in terms of numbers, but in terms of the enthusiasm and participation. The spark was lacking. Perhaps, things will change for the better in the subsequent sessions. I don’t know, let’s wait and see.
I was just looking through my organiser and started marking out important days in the fourth quarter of the year. Promos seem so near. Less than 50 days. This is very scary, because I just have so much work to cram. Now I finally know why ex-nanyang girls always return to nanyang, complaining about how terrible college life is. I am actually regretting it now. I should have treasured more of my days in nanyang and not complained so much. Although it is undeniable that cjc and nanyang cannot be compared because one is a college and the other a high school, both are immensely different and are stark contrasts to each other. Nanyang is an all-girls Chinese school, while cjc is a mixed school of mixed races. So it is very different and it feels very different to be submerged into these two different cultures. But anyhow, it is quite adaptable. At least, it is better than the culture shock I received when I went back to London.
Back to the calendar, today marks the 188th day after my birthday and also the 188th day from THAT deadline. No one will know what it means, he is the only person who will understand this. Time seriously transcends so fast. The events that happened in January are still vivid in my head. Especially the series of events which occurred on the night of 26th January. I will forever remember them.
Oh well. This is life. Time passes faster like light and opportunities often go by without us knowing it. It is only when we lose it, before we realise how much it means to us.
Today, I realised this. I love everybody around me, despite who they are or what they are. More importantly, I love them because I may have sinned against them and it is only through pure love and adornment for them can I salvage the harm I’ve caused.
- Mood:
calm
“If you knew that you only had that few days to live, how will you live through them? How will you fully utilize those few moments of your life? How can you be sure that you will leave this place a happy person, with no regrets, no pain and no misgivings? How can you be sure that the person you leave behind, will remember you for no matter how long he lives? It is the love like no other that explains this.”
I LOVE MY CLASS!! (:
charlene <33333333333 1T35!!
- Mood: apathetic
it is only when you lose something, before you realise how much it means to you.
it is only when something falls through your fingers, before you realise that you can't live without it.
when it is absent, the void strains your heart and everything seems to stop.
you want it.
you need it.
you really need to have it.
you can't live without it.
not for one day.
not for one hour.
not for one minute.
not for one second.
not for one moment.
i need that one thing to keep me alive, to keep me breathing.
my oxygen.
Je ne peux pas vivre sans toi. Il est pour toi, j'a survécu jusqu'à aujourd'hui.
that certain type of horse seem to entice me alot.
that kind with stripes.
i wonder if such horses lived in a place where there are stones.
hmm.
- Mood: confused
what the hell.
i was cracking my brain, getting whatever useful/relevant things i can for pw and i am being accused of 'gallivanting' around, breaking into SOMEBODY's com.
wtf.
don't believe me right?
look i don't fucking care.
i have found my documents and i can answer to my CONSCIENCE.
i don't have to answer to anybody else.
- Mood:
annoyed
i am too angry to elaborate on it.
what the hell.
where's his pledge about being nice and all?
angelina was right.
he never meant to keep to what he says.
- Mood: angry
I will never be alive nor be redeemed again.
Today.
My life ended.
- Mood: sad
This was the last time and I wanted it to be perfect, flawless and spectacular. It had to be the best that I could give. It had to be the most amazing showcase in my life; after all, it will be the last. As I stepped onto the platform, I looked at the audience. There were so many people. So many pairs of eyes staring at the stage. It only needed one mistake to ruin the whole show. Thus, I put my full concentration on the dance. I was glad that it turned out faultless. Shi-yi and I did alright. We made no mistakes, created no flaws and enjoyed ourselves greatly.
After the showcase ended, I was not really in the mood to go for supper with them, so I just came back instead. It was yesterday night that I truly realised what a big cry-baby I was. I actually cried many times last night. I cried before the performance because I was so scared. I cried backstage after my dance as I was sad that it was over. I cried when I got home because I really don’t know what’s left of me. It is weird that I used to complain and whine so much about how tiring rehearsals and practices were.
Now, I really hope that I could go through that entire phase once again. I wouldn’t mind enduring all those tiring rehearsals again. I wouldn’t mind it at all. In fact, I will be more than willing to put in those extra hours. I want those moments again. But, thinking logically, it is impossible for me to turn back time. So, the only thing I can do now will be to cherish all that I have.
Ending my ballet journey here isn’t really a regret or a waste. It is perhaps, just the inability to accept this fact so fast. But I guess I can cope with it.
Now that the chapter of ballet in my life has closed, I can put my focus back to studies, and also track. I had neglected track on many occasions for ballet, so it is now time to give it back. I had missed more trainings than any other of those in the team, so I have to work extra hard now. I had compromised a lot of my study time, so I have to put in extra hours to work on my studies now.
At least, I have very good memories of ballet and this is something which I am very glad and I will not regret.
The swansong completed. It is time to move on.
- Mood: sad
As I take my steps up the platform
This will be the last time
I do this
Never more than before, had I cherished this moment.
I used to wait anxiously for this to come
But when it came, I resisted
So much for all the practices
So much for all the sweat put in
The confidence that I used to have when I stepped on the stage
Depleted
Removed
Replaced by fear.
Looking at the golden hue of the sun
Convincing myself that all will be fine seemed futile
It all took that one moment
That one dance
That one mistake
To destroy what I had achieved.
This had to be a flawless showing
One that was perfect and sensual.
Nothing can go wrong
For my passion for it exudes my willingness to sparkle in it
I’ve come thy far
No further can I intrude.
The last chance to prove that I can do it
All lies in my greatest fear and pessimism
Yet I was certain that with the thought of him in my mind
Smooth-sailing it will be.
It had to be spectacular.
This is the last time
Neither more chances nor opportunities will stand in my path again.
As the colour of the sky transgresses from bright to dark
The hue of the sun slowly becomes the cold night
But the stars that will appear soon symbolise the last hopes I carry.
Ballet under the stars.
It is named for this purpose and fashion.
As I pirouette and do the pointes for the final time
I thank those who made my journey possible.
It will end tonight
Not with regret or agony
But with utmost joy, memories and happiness.
My swansong.
My final dance.
Go, girl.
----------------------------------------
will he be there?
- Mood:
scared
very good read.
A TEENAGER'S VIEW OF HEAVEN
17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. 'I wowed 'em,' he later told his father, Bruce. 'It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote..' It also was the last.
Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.
The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. 'I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it,' Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. 'I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him.'
Brian's Essay: The Room...
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read 'Girls I have liked.' I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalogue system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.
A file named 'Friends' was next to one marked 'Friends I have betrayed.' The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird 'Books I Have Read,' 'Lies I Have Told,' 'Comfort I have Given,' 'Jokes I Have Laughed at ' Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: 'Things I've yelled at my brothers.' Others I couldn't laugh at: 'Things I Have Done in My Anger', 'Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.' I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.
Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked 'TV Shows I have watched', I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked 'Lustful Thoughts,' I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.
I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards. No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!' In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it.. The title bore 'People I Have Shared the Gospel With.' The handle was brighter than those around it, seemed newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.
No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.
He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. 'No!' I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was 'No, no,' as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, 'It is finished.' I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.' -Phil. 4:13 'For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.' -John 3:16. "And God demonstrates His love to us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us," - Romans 5:8. If you feel the same way forward it so the love of Jesus will touch the lives of others also. My "People I shared the gospel with" file just got bigger, how about yours?
- Mood: content
the back of my eyes felt warm and the tear drops seemed as though they will trickle down my face anytime.
was it so difficult to just say a simple hello or just smile?
was making me unhappy your one big greatest objective in life?
you cruel freak.
i really want to tell you straight in your face that i hated you.
but the way i felt was, otherwise.
i can't bring myself to hate you.
i know that this will die out one day.
but right now, i will do my best to keep it all going.
i don't want to forget you, let alone forsake you.
this is difficult, but i will walk through it, all by myself.
i like zebras (:
- Mood: confused
Now, forget it. I don’t wish to talk about it anymore.
My whole body is aching after dance today. I fell down seven times. I just cannot do my turns properly. How come? The big big bruise on my knee is testament to my clumsiness and improper moves. How? BUTS is only one week away and I am so messed up and unprepared for it. I am really afraid that I will turn a beautiful showcase into a disaster. I am very worried about it. I feel incapable and useless. Why can’t I just do those ballet moves properly? I was trained in it and I was supposed to do well. That is why I was chosen by laoshi to stand in for liying when she is away. I had let laoshi down. I had fallen short of her expectations by a seriously big margin. I am so damn incompetent. I hate myself. I am so bloody useless! I am just a worthless piece of crap that means nothing to anybody, zebra included.
- Mood: angry
those little notes do make a difference too.
and i particularly like those tiny gifts, those paper hand-made sweet little flowers.
thank you guys, for being there with me when i needed you guys the most.
i am infinitely grateful and indebted to you people.
without you guys, i am sure i would be unable to stand up on my feet again.
thank you, my BUTS buddies. (:
it is very painful to smile and look like you are happy, when your heart is actually aching, deep down inside.
this loss, this insecurity, this emptiness.
you know what is lacking and what is missing, but you just are unable to fill the spaces up and make it one, hard, solid, heart.
yet, the spaces will never be filled, for what is missing will always be missing, as the answer is never present.
these few days had been hard and painful, but i walked through them with the encouragement of those who matter so much to me.
i began to realise that 'hey, perhaps life isn't so bad after all, there are still things worth smiling and looking forward to.'
with these, i walked through day by day, hoping that things will turn out fine the next day.
it isn't so difficult to make life turn out better the next day actually.
you just have to pray hard, and work hard for it.
working hard is vital as it is only then, you are a true deserver of what you've toiled for.
at the same time, i believe God will lend a helping hand to those who will require His guidance and His salvation.
just pray with your heart and soul.
God never forsakes His child.
God is always there.
----------------------------------------
anyways. it was track finals today.
not very spectacular, but it was definitely exciting.
it was really touching (at least for me), to see the entire team congregating together, cheering for one another, despite that we may not know each other that well.
peixuan is AMAZING.
and so are the rest of the people there!
i promised bryan i will buy him lunch if he gets a medal in his 1500m race, but sadly, he didn't.
oh well, i am still considering if i should buy him lunch.
(grah. i stupidly promised to treat him at crystal jade!)
yes, and that boy genius actually memorised the entire periodic table! OMG!
this is insane.
but well, out of point here.
erm. yeah.
it was really fun at the stadium!
got to meet so many of my juniors! all these lovely nanyang girls (:
i felt like crying when liang hui, weiqing and hern hern teared.
they wanted so much and did so much, but what they got in return, definitely was not what they deserved.
but still, they did well. ultimately.
b div got overall third (: CHEERS TO NANYANG!
now i finally understand why mdm chew said this to me just now 'once a nanyang girl, always a nanyang girl'.
it is so so so so so so so so true.
yes. i have to admit that i really miss nanyang alot.
all the talk about saying how cheena it is and how ugly the uniform is, it is all superficial.
i love the school for what it is.
lesson learnt today: treasure what you have everyday, for you don't know what will slip out of your fingers tomorrow.
- Mood: cynical
you feel that nothing means anything more to you anymore.
not even those things that kept you going in the past.
futile.
those wasted gestures.
they never reaped anything, did they?
was it all just a fallacy?
an unpredictable dream?
was it all to end here and now?
the oxygen supply that kept you going seemed to be decreasing by the second.
it was depleting.
every second.
every breath you took, your life was shortened.
you knew that it was going to end.
but you have no idea when exactly it will.
doomsday approaches, with your hopes in vain, for you know that nothing will concrete.
everything is just what you thought and what you expected.
nothingness breeds nothing.
you want to know when it ends, but all you know is that it is ending.
you never know the due date no matter how much you want to.
the suspense.
that cruel wait.
that killer moment.
it is nobody's fault, but mine.
- Mood: depressed
kindly help out with my group's pw survey.
instructions are on teh survey itself.
thank you! (:
(click the link to open)
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=G8
this is very idiot proof.
really. trust me.
- Mood: calm
this is so insulting.
you feel that the whole world is crashing down.
this inescapability of death.
you have no idea what is awaiting you.
because you are so busy being sad.
- Mood: sad
alrights.
here's a little quiz i took from rachael's blog.
check it out.
name 20 people you can think of right now.
1) daddy
2) mommy
3) christopher
4) christian
5) stone
6) nathan
7) angeline
8) claire
9) kimberly
10) calvin
11) carol
12) jennifer
13) juliana
14) kristina
15) ruiting
16) shi-yi
17) nicolette
18) michael jeremiah
19) jialong
20) laoshi (sdt coach)
how did you meet 14?
knew each other since we were kids (: our parents are really close friends.
what would you do if you'd never met 1?
never be around.
what if 9 and 20 dated?
disaster, totally, laoshi will literally bite kim’s head off.
will 16 and 17 date?
interesting outcome, perhaps they should be matchmade.
describe 3.
indispensable, he may be irritating at times, but still loved by me all the same (:
describe 7.
the lady who withstood my childishness and immaturity for 17 years and counting, gratitude from me to her.
what would you do if 18 confesses that he/she likes you?
oh goodness, that person is still a baby.
who is 9 going out with?
some acsi guy, that’s what my friend said.
when was the last time you talked to 13?
2 weeks ago!
who is 2's favourite band/singer?
abba
would you ever date 4?
oh shit yes!
would you ever date 1?
nope, he’s taken by the woman i love most in my life.
is 19 single?
yes, very sure.
would you ever be in with 11?
God, no, she's my best buddy (:
school of 3?
he graduated from school already!
where does 6 live?
London!
what do you like about 5?
can’t think of something i don’t. (: (:
have you ever seen 10 naked?
NO and i dare not, i’m a good lil’ girl.
- Mood: blah
first, hansel behaved abnormally during the break today.
he coughed out VERY funny comments and words that made me, jeevan and celine break out into laughter while eating.
second, karan accepted my birthday present to him without scorning at me :D
yep.
and after his school ended, i briefly spoke to him (he on the third level while i was at the quadrangle).
he actually SMILED.
and told me that he will bring my present home tomorrow.
that was certainly unexpected.
third.
i was caught by surprise by my econs paper.
i maintained that tiny glimmer of hope that i will pass.
but i failed :(
darn.
i studied for that paper.
but oh well, i guess i really gotta work hard.
i've decided to stay in singapore, so i really must must do well for promos.
i had promised mommy that.
yeah, so i guess i will go study later, after i finish this post.
hmm.
initially i had to go for dance prac today, but i came back instead.
took the bus with guohao.
alighted and started walking towards 'the dance place', but i changed direction, walked to the nearest main road and cabbed back.
i was too tired.
i guess i was pretty much affected by the econs paper.
i really thought that i could pass!
like get a 50 or something.
sighs.
this really sucks.
HOPEFULLY, lit will be fine.
so here i am sitting in from of my laptop, partially STONING and typing.
i felt kinda lost after getting the econs paper.
i felt as though direction was ripped out of my life and i was a soul, wandering about, aimlessly.
this is terrible.
anyways, i met the most hated guy in my life yesterday.
i really wanted to kill him, but ultimately, blood is thicker than water and i will probably be charged if i did kill him.
the meeting lasted somewhat short.
probably only 45 minutes, i guess.
he said he needed to go meet a client.
come on, stop pulling my leg, who meets a client so late?
oh whatever, it is his own life, so i don't care.
and yesterday, HE (not the most hated guy in my life) told me he was ill.
i felt that it was partially my fault.
i should not ranted at him and blamed him for THAT question.
i admit that i was very much affected by it, but i should at least have controlled my anger.
he didn't mean it.
i know.
but i am glad that he was well today!
saw him as i was passing karan his present.
and he looked pretty much fine.
this is something i am glad about for today (:
ANOTHER INTERESTING BUT WEIRD THING.
halfway through class today, i received nathan's sms!
yes from london!
although we aren't really as close as we were last time, it was nice to see his sms.
this is what it said:
"hey, it is damn early here! but i thought of this and i HAVE TO TELL YOU. stoning may not just mean staring blankly into space. it can also mean thinking of stones! yah. cool huh? continue STONING man. have a great day and we'd talk later alright :) see ya!"
it was such a sweet message (:
thanks nathan!!
oh anyways, it is karan's birthday today!
so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARAN!!
SWEET SIXTEEN :D
here's a birthday song for you!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KARAN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
- Mood: quixotic
i thought our friendship will last.
me and her.
but i was wrong.
why?
- Mood: aggravated
pretty cool results :D
Am-I-Dumb.com - Intelligence Test
okay. this is going to be ironic.
the above test states that i am not that dumb.
but in actual fact, i am pretty pretty dumb.
10 reasons why charlene is dumb:
1. she slept with her contact lens on last night.
2. she didn't touch her phone for 13 whole hours and found 35 missed calls from IMPORTANT people.
3. she woke up late this morning and was late for dance practice.
4. she decided that today wouldn't be cold, and went out without a windbreaker, only to find herself shivering like a toad in the cab.
5. she STUPIDLY left her phone under her pillow and didn't bring it out.
6. she left her pointe shoes at home, and went for dance practice.
7. she freaked out when she could not access col@c, only to realise that she had changed her password last night.
8. she totally forgot her dance steps today.
9. she left her purse in wayne's bag and only realised it when wayne came running out of the theatre, screaming at her.
10. she totally didn't use her brains at all today.
now i know why laoshi got so angry with me on saturday.
i am indeed stupid ):
darn.
----------------------------------------
Once there was this creature void of beauty, and form
Looking for affection from anyone who seemed warm
Named after an archangel, Michael who was canonized.
Sinner or saint the creature's passions would go unrecognized
He was on cloud nine with the Eve of his dreams
A soldier of Christ with the Spirit which redeems
But the paradise lost left a lesson to impart
In a romance with one of the reapers of his heart
In fact the awful struggle of the heart, soul, and mind
Fell on numb skulls, deaf ears, and the eyes of the blind
Tempted by Satan's demons, giving into seduction
The Eve of his life then became the Eve of destruction
Luminous light radiant in the celestial orb
Is only reflected by those able to absorb
It cannot be missed, only when rejected
Nurtured by nature it must not be neglected
The Creator moves in passion, in reason He rests
Moving toward perfection all of us must pass tests
A lesson that is taught may be a lesson that is learned
By knowledge, or wisdom salvation can't be earned
Only one poor in spirit can ever rise above
To humbly accept the divine gift of love
No longer will he be a creature void of form
In true colors of the rainbow after the storm
----------------------------------------
one hour ago. the darkness struck me again.
that very same darkness that made me cry a few days ago.
my head hurt.
it was so scary.
i am scared.
- Mood: scared
friday was interesting/hectic/terrible/tiring/miser
can't believe i was late for school!
got up at 7am and i thought i could still rush to school on time.
but.
was late.
mr issac lim was smiling at me because i strolled into school.
he saw my windbreaker and asked me 'aren't you a tracker? why didn't you run into school?'
i just looked at him and he saw the pillbox in my hand and told me to go to the PE department.
so that was how the stupid day started out.
i thought it was friday the thirteenth.
but it was the fourth of july, independence day.
that was totally irrelevant.
urgh.
lessons for the day were pretty much okay.
the second break of the day was STUPID.
i was sitting with the rest of t35 at the round tables in the canteen talking.
and totally DID NOT realise that he and his friends were sitting behind me until i turned and looked around for fun.
by then, he stood up and went to clear his dishes.
yes.
i am SO STUPID.
oh well.
econs and GP tutorial were kinda crappy.
i was semi-conscious throughout both lessons.
ms ng was actually nice enough to ask me if i was okay.
wow.
amos and i ALMOST broke out into an argument for GP.
but i had no energy to.
so yeah.
stupid mr 'pigs' didn't see the things on my desk and sat on the postcard i was writing halfway for daniel.
STUPID.
rahh.
went to watch track events at choa chu kang stadium after that.
pretty amazing.
loads of hugs exchanged with the nanyang girls and teachers!
managed to see ms tan and ms yeo!
ms yeo still hasn't changed her shades after so many years!
also got to catch up with juniors, xinyan and sheila.
OMG.
can't believe sam topped her race (:
yep. samantha raeburn :D
pretty tracker (:
charm also did pretty well (:
heard from ms tan that nanyang did quite well this year, so i am pretty glad for them.
hip hip hooray!
cj also did well (:
bryan got 3rd for the 5km race (:
yoohoo! awesome!
calvin did well too!
7th position.
not sure how shauqi did, but i think not bad too (:
tim was amazing!
he was the first in his heats (:
champion!! :D
after that i cabbed to gleneagles to get my medicine before rushing to indoor stadium to practise dance!
was about 20 minutes late for dance and got scolded by coach!
darn.
dance ended at around 9 and i wanted to go to cjc to buy stuff at alfresco night, but i guess i won't make it in time since stone told me that it is expected to end around 9pm.
so i went home and slept.
woke up at 11am the next day and i felt truly refreshed!
i slept for a total of 13 hours! OMG.
stayed pretty much in the house on saturday.
spoke to so many people online <33
yeah guys, i am okay now.
i wasn't affected by coach's scolding.
i just expected him to emphathise with me, but oh well.
he's like that, so there's nothing i can do.
after that i went out at around 5.30pm.
went for dance prac again!
and i bought 3 tickets to BUTS.
yupp.
3 tickets at 30 bucks each.
so it is like 90 dollars gone?
oh, i hope that's gonna be well-spent.
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS BETTER COME FOR IT!!!!!
went back early and slept kinda early again. (11.30pm)
so i feel really good today (:
dance prac in the morning was H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E.
i fell down the ladder. yes. the ladder.
and there's this big bruise on my calf now.
SO UGLY!!!
):
hopefully things will turn out okay on 25th (:
19 days to go only!
but before my dance production.
there ros's gym comp.
so i'd be praying for her too (:
yep.
advertisement:
-A Production by Singapore Dance Theatre: 20th Anniversary Showcase
Date(s): 25-27 July 2008
Time: 7.30pm till 10.00pm
Tickets: $30 each (concession: $16)
Venue: Fort Canning Park
PLEASE COME PEOPLE!
PLEASE (:
- Mood:
bouncy
i don't know what is happening.
something scary?
but.
ah forget it.
went for training today and vomited after that.
workout was HELL.
sprinted 2.4km.
yes. 6 rounds around the track.
but thank goodness the weather was relatively fine and windy.
so it wasn't THAT bad.
halfway through training, my entire head was spinning like shit.
and for 2 seconds, everything went black.
i was really scared then.
the first thing i thought to myself was "am i going to die?"
i was afraid that after this momentary darkness in front of my eyes, i will just die and depart the world.
the thought of leaving all that i have behind frightens me and i certainly do not want such a thing to happen.
i want to continue living the life i have now.
i want each moment to continue to the next, never ending.
and i want my daily morning coffee to remain.
strangely enough, the first thought i had when things went black, was not about the direct fear of dying, but rather, it was the fear of losing whatever i had when i died.
it was the fear of not being able to see the one i like, not being able to know that he is around me, somewhere.
this fear.
this undying trauma that i am inflicting on myself.
no, i am not silly.
i am just sentimental.
there are just certain things i can't let go off in life.
in fact. ONE thing.
that ONE thing.
this feeling is (once again) horrible.
today's convo sounded cold.
lasted less than 10 lines.
i don't know what's wrong.
but i am pretty sure something happened.
perhaps i was right.
there is something going on between the two of them.
they had flagged down a coincidence once again. (pun)
but if they are happy, i will try to be happy too.
because ultimately, i want him to be happy.
"as they flagged down the coincidences together, i will be by the sidewalk, making sure that they board the journey together and emerge happily ever after"
"When love is bleak, life is reeked of all meaning, but if I know that love is what keeps him going, I will learn to be happy from his perspective.”
- Mood: scared
yep yep. it is PW class now.
whee hee. hahaha.
but i managed to connect my laptop to the network.
so here i am.
yesterday.
long and funny day.
HAD CLASS OUTING :D
we were SUPPOSED to reach toa payoh central at 9 am.
but everybody was late!
i reached at 9.30am.
joel was erm. funny.
we said tp central.
and he actually went to tampines central.
so when he got there at 9am, he thought that he was early.
it was only when he called us, did he realise that he was at the wrong place.
haha.
don't you just love joel?
after that we went to eat at macs while waiting for the rest of people to come.
we ATE.
i ATE.
had a hotcakes with sausage meal.
it was pretty good.
never ate macs for a long time.
following that, we set out for east coast park!!
we took a bus there.
the journey was pretty long.
45 min.
saw a few interesting things on the way.
the bus went past krittika's school! (:
we met tania near the busstop where we alighted.
she cycled there to meet us. haha.
after reaching ecp, we went to macs (again).
jeevan so wanted to eat.
finally, we went cycling!
for 2 whole hours!! (:
we managed to teach gretchen how to cycle :D
she's really good at it!
she's so fast on the bike (:
towards the end, joanne wanted to race jiongle and joel to the kiosk.
but she lost.
haha anyways, that's joanne.
at 4 plus, all left except four of us.
me, celine, joanne and roberts (steph r).
we sat at the beach to play bridge.
it was so fun!
bridging by the beach. haha.
roberts and i make DAMN GOOD partners.
we won all the games we played together except for the last (:
celine and joanne seriously jinx each other man. haha.
so that day kinda ended there.
cabbed home.
the stupid taxi fare was like 25 plus.
wth. this is highway robbery man.
:X
i was supposed to go to town to eat dinner with jackie, but i was too tired.
so i went home instead.
and btw.
I SAW A CLOUD SHAPED LIKE A CHICKEN.
HE WAS RIGHT (: (:
the picture's my msn dp now.
okay. gotta do proper work now. shall update soon :D
- Mood: happy
just spoke to mylene on the phone a while ago.
haven't talked to her in a long time and i was pleasantly surprised that i got her call.
we just chatted a bit about our lives.
she was quite sad that she didn't qualify for olympics, but she was quite upbeat about doing well for nationals next year.
then she asked me about my zebra infatuation.
and she was quite shocked that it was still on.
oh well.
she gasped when i told her that i've not gotten over him YET.
haha what a funny description.
zebra infatuation :D
alright shall give a more meaningful post sometime soon.
going out in a while.
- Mood: blah
but if that is what truly makes him happy, i will.
after all, i don't want to be a burden to him.
i don't want him to live with something piling up on him.
i want him to be happy.
i really do.
and now, i think his sister hates me.
i buggered it up man.
****************************************
yesterday.
i went to gleneagles to get my medicine.
dr keith drew my blood and took it for a test.
well, my dosage increased.
so that means that things have deteriorated.
oh well.
i just hope that things will turn out better in next week's checkup.
then i can stop taking my daily jabs of desferal.
may God be with those who need him.
- Mood: listless
as the needle pierced through my skin.
i just felt like ending my life there and then.
i don't want pain.
i don't like pain.
if i were dead, i will go to a happier place.
a place with no pain.
no agony.
no heartbreak.
heaven.
- Mood:
sick
why did you have to do that?
can't you just help me with what i needed?
why do you have to pass the phone around as though my call was some irrelevant, redundant thing?
thank god karan helped me! :X
is helping me so difficult?
what the hell?!?
can't you just TRY to help?
i just needed you to help me check a teacher's pigeon hole because you are the only person i know who will be in school.
can't you just help?
I SWEAR I AM GOING TO TEAR YOUR CARD APART!
YOU DON'T DESERVE IT!
YOU DON'T!
YOU MEANIE STONE!!!
):
- Mood: angry
for those whom i've spoken to briefly, you should know what i mean.
and i officially hate needles.
so he did get to know about it eventually.
and he did tell me to take care.
for that, i was pretty touched.
and i was glad that he cared, although it wasn't alot.
that little concern, was enough, to me.
when i saw that sms, i cried.
not because i was sad, but because i was really happy.
i was really happy to see that message from that one person.
i cry too easily, don't i?
but actually i only cry when i meet with issues pertaining to him.
other than that, i hardly let my tear drops fall so easily.
but he will never know, will he?
i am pretty sure he won't read my blog after my stupid/foolish/irritating act that carried from friday to saturday to sunday.
):
what a dumb girl i am!
stupid charlene!
stupid girl.
i keep doing things that will cause myself to regret.
now i know why chrissy always calls me a brainless little girl.
):
so today was econs paper.
i think i flunked paper 1.
paper 2 was relatively okay.
about an hour and a half through the paper, my entire head was spinning and i felt like vomitting.
but the invilgilators did not allow anyone out of the exam hall, so i had to just stay on.
i tried swallowing back my saliva a few times but it didn't really help the nausea die down.
it felt so uncomfortable.
it is the feeling when your whole body just squeezes to the center, to your diaphragm and you lose control of your limbs.
i have to live with this.
dr tay said this is one symptom of my condition and it will keep returning for as long as i live.
for this one thing, i just feel like dying.
because this feeling is terrible and nobody will understand, unless they go through what i am enduring.
that pain.
that numbness.
that central pulling force (oh, whatever it was supposed to mean!).
i got back real quick after the paper because i had to take my medicine and jab.
bitter medicine and painful jabs.
the things that keep my worthless life going.
yesterday night, i was telling him about the possibility of me dying.
and he said that i won't.
for a few seconds, i believed what he said completely.
but when i recalled what i read online, i knew that he was just trying to make me feel better.
although what he said wasn't true, i was happy as it made me glad for a while, that thought, that note to tell me i will be fine.
i wished i could believe what he said but reality is cruel.
"you won't be unlucky twice".
thank you, stone.
that made a difference (:
and i didn't steal YOUR line. :D
so chemistry paper is tomorrow.
and i am pretty much unprepared for it.
so i'd just see how it goes.
hopefully i can pass :X
i don't know. ):
i will continue studying after i am done with this.
i've decided not to be like others.
to be like those people who enter the exam hall, thinking "i am going to fail".
at least, for once, i want to walk into the exam hall, thinking "i will do well for it".
i need to be more optimistic about life.
quoted from rosalynn (mom's bestie).
and so, i will be more optimistic.
i need to be more optimistic.
i have so few days left, so i need to treasure every bit of it and live every moment of it to the fullest.
i don't know when my heart will suddenly give way and i die, so i must love each second i have.
anyway i've decided upon a few things after going out of the house late last night and wandered on the quiet roads.
i don't know if it is stupid though.
maybe i should give up liking him.
because firstly, he doesn't even care about what i do.
secondly, i don't know when i will die, so might as well end it here.
i shouldn't treat him too nicely anymore, so that at least when i die, he wouldn't feel a big difference in his life.
okay, i know this is stupid, but this is really how i feel.
but, on the other hand, it is difficult to NOT be nice to him, after all, i cannot deny the fact that i still like him alot.
but i guess i still have a bare minimum of a few months more, so probably i can still consider what i am going to do in due course.
before i die, i must give him a big big teddy bear.
so he will remember me when i die.
and shit.
he still owes me my teddy!
STONE!
THAT E-TEDDY IS NOT VALID!
I DECLARE IT INVALID!! :X
144/149/165
wow.
how times flies.
all the best for midyears guys (everyone, especially the small rock, aka STONE)!
****************************************
Fall Again- Glenn Lewis
feels like fire , burns in my heart
every single moment that we spend apart
I need you around, for everyday to start
I haven't left you alone
something about you ,staring in my eyes
everything looking for I seem to find
all this time away is killing me inside
I need your love in my life
Oh I wanna spend time till it ends
I wanna fall in you again
like we did, when we first met
I wanna fall with you again
Ohhhhh
we faught in a battle , nobody won
now we face a mountain, to be overcome
you can't turn away, the past is said and done
I need us to carry on
Oh i wanna spend time till it ends
I wanna fall in you again
like we did, when we first met
I wanna fall with you again
yeahhh la la la la
whoaa
you try everything you never thought would work before
when you live when you love when you give when you run you can always give up some more
baby nothing means anything unless you're here to share with me
I can breathe I can live I can die I can sleep
cause you're always there in my dreams
Oh I wanna spend time till it ends
I wanna fall in you again
like we did, when we first met
I wanna fall with you again
I wanna fall with you again
- Mood: stressed
after the literature paper, i studied in school with nathalie, belmond and nat's friend, vanessa.
halfway through studying, i went to collect some lit essays from ms yao's pigeon hole.
after which, i came down from the stairs and saw ros outside the library and went to talk to her.
i had to ask her about training.
then i saw STONE. yes him.
and so anyways, ros realised that me and stone were quite awkward and asked what happened.
because upon seeing me, stone dropped his phone on the ground.
yeah so i told ros about our convo on thursday night, about my stupid blog post.
then ros just started laughing and asked me the very question he asked.
"who is the girl?"
i seriously didn't want to tell her, but she was like, "it is okay, you can tell me"
so i told her.
and she went like 'CHARLENE WONG I AM SO GONNA KILL YOU'.
i don't know what's wrong, i just started crying at that moment, outside the library and everybody was staring at me.
then she asked me why i felt that way and told her about the few instances.
she just laughed again and crouched to the floor.
i just cried more.
1. it felt good to say out what's bugging me
2. if they seriously liked each other, just go ahead, at least i know they will be happy
3. i want my friends to be happy
yeah so that was it. the so so embarrassing part of yesterday.
then after that, i went back to study with them.
when nat and vanessa were both away, i plucked up the courage to tell belmond what's been bugging me.
he was shocked and asked immediately "will you be okay?"
i didn't know how to answer, so i just shrugged.
but hopefully i will be okay.
then i asked if i should tell HIM about it, belmond said yes.
so i called HIM and asked him to get out of the library, so i could say my piece.
but he just couldn't be bothered, and so i started crying in the canteen.
by then, jessica, bong and joshua were already with us.
they didn't know what happened, but did probe if i was alright.
i said i was.
then belmond's phone came into use and an sms was sent to him, to tell him that i wanted to talk to him.
we waited but there was no reply.
after five minutes, belmond saw a head protruding out, near the drinks of the vending machine area.
it was HIS head.
but seriously, by then i was really agitated and couldn't be bothered.
so yeah i just forced myself to continue studying.
after a while, i really couldn't take it anymore and decided that i needed to take a breather, so i took the stack of handouts and went to the staff room to slot them into the pigeon hole.
and when i walked past the vending machine, i saw HIM, talking to somebody, a GIRL.
not that i hated the girl, i knew here and considered her to be a good buddy.
but it was what he said earlier that struck me.
he said he was busy and needed to study, so fine, i let him be.
and now?
EXCUSE ME, I HAD SO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS TO TELL YOU!
argh forget it.
the thought of this makes my blood boils.
(yes, i walked on hot coals)
then i came back to the canteen and nat said she wanted to buy drinks, so i tagged along with her.
I SAW HIM STILL TALKING TO HER.
by then, i was VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY mad at HIM.
and i took nat away to lean on her.
at that moment when he realised that i was really angry, he just turned his back and left.
nat and i turned and left too.
i couldn't take it anymore and just leaned on nat's shoulder and cried.
I FELT LIKE A TOTAL PIECE OF CRAP, STEPPED ON, THROWN AWAY, FLICKED OFF.
ros came over then and i didn't know what to say to her, i was still damn embarrassed, so i just went to hide in the toilet.
after which, i came out, packed my stuff and decided to go home.
as i was walking out, i changed my path and went to the grandstand instead.
i called him and told him to come.
so i sat at the grandstand for 13 minutes, and waited for HIM to come.
eventually, he did come, but in a very UNGLAM way.
anyways, that's not the whole point.
so i told him everything i wanted to, split into parts A and B.
first came the teddy bear story and after that what happened on thursday.
his replies were so UNFEELING.
for part A he said, "my parents are lawyers and they've handled many divorce cases"
for part B he said, "how would i know? i am not a doctor"
OMG.
unfeeling creep!
can't you just say something like "oh, don't worry, things will be better?"
oh man, does it hurt to say something nice?
oh man.
okay.
so we just sat there and talked and STONED.
then after that, mommy so had to call me.
then daddy called me.
then christopher 3G called me.
and i got irritated again and when they mentioned about monday's flight, i got real sad again.
so i told HIM, can you let me punch you?
he said no, but still i did.
although it wasn't that hard a hit, i started to worry after that.
did i hit too hard?
will he suffer from internal bleeding?
oh my.
and when i told that idiot that he still owes me my stupid teddy bear, he told me to close my eyes and think of one, when i think of one, i will get one.
so i was retarded enough and closed my eyes.
then he just said "ta-daah, you've received an e-teddybear".
that was hilarious.
but i don't care, he still owes me one.
and so after that pretty much okay face to face conversation, i left for home.
after getting home, i cleaned up and just lazed around before popping into my books for a couple of hours.
then at 10 plus, i went out to meet THEM (: BESTIES!
we had a late dinner at brewerkz in riverside point.
the food wasn't that bad but i felt that the burger was kinda too oily.
after eating, we just sat and talked till 1am and the people at the shop tried hard to chase us out.
after that we walked down boat quay and when these people saw sahara's, they just had to go in.
i wasn't really in the drinking/clubbing/crazy mood, so i gave it a miss.
nathan wanted to stay around with me, but i decided that i needed some quiet time alone so i told him to go ahead with them.
before we said bye bye, ruth came up and game me this really adorable teddy bear! (THANK YOU SO MUCH RUTHIE :D ]
so we parted at around 2am plus.
and i just decided to walk down the riverside myself.
usually, i was quite scared of the water and dared not go too near the sides of the river, but last night, i felt pretty much okay and just sat on the slabs.
i thought so much then, about life and everything.
about mommy, about HIM, about myself.
i questioned myself, was it worthwhile to do so much for him, even when he did not care about it?
my final answer was 'yes'.
i don't know why, but i just thought that way.
i felt that even though he showed no response, i still wanted to care for him and made sure that somebody will be around for him whenever he was sad, and that he will never be alone.
i want him to be loved.
so after rotting there for an hour odd, i decided to walk around and just enjoy whatever music that comes out of the shops.
i walked past harry's and this really nice song was playing.
it described that very moment i felt.
the band was singing "sorry seems to be the hardest word" by blue.
lyrics at the bottom of this post.
yes, i cried after listening to the song.
but after thinking through, perhaps, it was my own fault that i caused myself to be stuck in all of these.
maybe, like what mommy said, i was really foolish.
when i knew that he didn't like me, i should already have stopped.
i shouldn't have fallen so much for him.
now that i want to withdraw, it seems so difficult and painful.
after all the times i've seen him upset and down, i want to be with him and offer him a shoulder to lean on and everything.
i want to encourage him when he needs it.
i want to give him good luck cards, make him sandwiches, give him funny gifts.
because i know all these small things make a difference.
slowly, i am starting to realise that it is pretty much impossible for him to like me, because we are really very different.
in terms of character and everything.
but it is really difficult to let go.
what can i do?
continuing with this seems a bad choice, but like what i said earlier, i don't want to give up being there for him when he needs me.
i want to see him smile.
actually, i don't mind him not sharing his happy times with me, but i just want to be with him when he needs moral support.
this time it is different.
it was not like the times i've spent with nathan, gareth and fabian.
this time it is more sincere, more genuine.
but groundless, it is based on nothing but my one-sided infatuation.
i guess i just have to live with it, no matter how difficult it is.
because mommy told me when she met daddy, she liked him alot.
she said it is unconditional love, no matter how difficult, you push on, for the ones you love.
don't say i am foolish.
because i am awake enough to know that i am not.
i am sane enough to tell myself that it is worthwhile, because he ain't that bad.
he can be quite nice too, just that not many people see it.
and now i don't know how much more days/time i have left, i will just treasure every moment we have.
and remember all our conversations and his face, so when i really go off, to wherever faraway place, i won't forget him.
for this life and the next, i will never forget 26th january, it was the day when i found out that i really liked him.
****************************************
"Sorry seems to be the hardest word"- Blue
What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that youre not there?
What I got to go to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when its all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
Its sad, so sad
Its a sad, sad situation.
And its getting more and more absurd.
Its sad, so sad
Why cant we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.
What do I do to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when its all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
Its sad, so sad
Its a sad, sad situation.
And its getting more and more absurd.
Its sad, so sad
Why cant we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.
Yeh. sorry
What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
What have I got to do?
What have I got to do?
When sorry seems to be the hardest word.
****************************************
okay i am going to sleep now, have to study later.
i got back at 6.30am and i am really tired now.
good morning singapore.
- Mood: confused
In the twinkling stars that dance like fireflies
In the blushing fruit that hangs upon the vine
In the face of a baby as he forms his first smile
I see you
In the whisper of the wind’s soft lullaby
In the laughter and the roar of the rushing tide
In the song of the sparrow as he takes his first flight
I hear you
Why do you hide among the nameless and forgotten
Why do you walk along these long forsaken roads
Calling to me in the hungry and the homeless
Calling me to water your thirst
So I’ll give you my heart and my song
In a world where so much is right but so much is wrong
Your love is my beginning and I know it won’t be too long
Till I see you
Why do you hide among the nameless and forgotten
Why do you walk along these long forsaken roads
Calling to me in the hungry and the homeless
Calling me to water your thirst
So I’ll give you my heart and my song
In a world where so much is right but so much is wrong
Your love is my beginning and I know it won’t be too long
Till I see you
I hear you
I love you
[Love Song for Number 1- Corrinne May]
----------------------------------------
why now?
when everything is going on so fine.
you come around and tell me this.
why?
when i stepped out of the room, the first person i called wasn't mommy.
it was him.
but he didn't pick up the phone.
i realised that he was probably studying, so i dare not disturb him further.
but i really wanted to tell him what had happened.
i wanted him to know.
i wanted him to tell me that it'd be okay and he'd be by my side.
but there is no way i can tell him.
tomorrow?
i don't know.
i really have no idea.
when i saw that piece of paper, i thought all was okay, because the word 'negative' repeated frequently.
i thought everything was fine.
until i heard the explanation.
things were bad.
deteriorating faster than expected.
how come?
i thought we had already taken the preventive measures?
i thought mommy's case had already made us more wary?
how come?
why me?
WHY ME??
now that i had truly understood the meaning of life and wanted very much to live each day to the fullest, this happens.
i know it is nobody's fault.
but i really can't take this lying down.
what is going to happen to everything i had worked so hard for?
cjc?
t35?
track?
ballet?
dance?
him?
will it be all gone?
i don't know.
i am scared.
i really am.
for the first time, my tears really can't stop flowing.
this was more painful than when i left for london.
at least, when i left for london, i was pretty sure that if i wanted to return, i could.
but now, it was impossible.
i've reached the point of no return.
no return at all.
what is left of me?
nothing.
absolutely nothing.
i might as well just die now, right?
is this retribution?
for being mean to those people around me?
if i really had to be punished, can't it be through something else?
why this?
how come?
WHY?!?
when i finally called mommy to tell her, my crying subsided quite a bit, but it was still quite terrible.
mommy cried too.
she just kept apologising to me.
but it isn't her fault, i know it.
it is nobody's fault.
it is God's will.
i will never blame mommy and i still love her all the same.
i love her alot.
and ever since i knew she was ill, i loved her more.
each day more than the day before.
she was the one who gave me my life, the one who made me meet all these fantastic people in my life, so how could i blame her?
i can't thank her enough.
she gave birth to me, and gave me the chance to meet him.
she allowed me to stay on in a school which i really loved.
and this gave me the chance to be in the same school as the one person i really liked.
it is not infatuation or puppy love.
it is not plain admiration or wonderment.
it is an extraordinary friendship.
something more than just that ordinary friendship.
it is a feeling i've never had before.
the thought that i want to protect him and be with him for every moment he is feeling down.
i don't mind him not being with him when he is happy, but i really want to be with him for every moment he is upset and dejected.
this is how i feel.
never, had i felt this way before, even during the 12 months i was with nathan.
never.
this is more of giving than receiving, but i really did not mind.
if something really happens, he will be the fifth person i can't bear to leave behind.
the first is mommy, followed by christian, then daddy.
christopher is the fourth.
then him (aka lmr) will be the fifth.
i told mommy that i wouldn't bear to leave him and she thinks that i should tell him about this.
but i don't think he will give a shit about it, after all, he doesn't bother about what happens to me.
perhaps, he thinks that i am better off dead.
i don't know, maybe that's what he thinks.
and i don't want to affect his mood, after all, it is the examination period and i want him to do well.
i will wait.
but before i tell him this, i will tell him the teddy bear story.
because after what happened today, i realised that he is really important to me and i can tell him it.
and when he knows of it, he will be the sixth person to know it, after mommy, christopher, daddy, my old pop and myself.
and after telling him this, will i then tell him what happened to me.
actually, i will tell him what happened to me only if he can understand the teddy bear story.
but forget it.
i have to deal with myself first, currently.
i have to stop crying and gear myself up for tomorrow.
LIT MIDYEARS TOMORROW.
i must do well, because lit is the only subject, i see a glimmer of hope.
i must do well, for myself and to fulfill the promise i've made with mommy.
i must prove it to her that my decision to return to singapore is a valid and rational one.
so i must do well.
hopefully, he is free tomorow after my paper, then we can go out and study together.
i don't know if there will be a chance next time.
see first, maybe things will change for the better, hopefully.
i am praying.
this time, not for anyone else, but for myself.
hmm well, i think i will pray for him too, hopefully he studies hard and does well for his midyears too.
STOP CRYING CHARLENE. TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER (:
"i will tell him that i love him, when my hair starts to fall."
[i am really very scared now. will he walk the journey with me, just like how i had stood by him when he was sad?]
- Mood: scared
he actually asked me who my eyecandy was?
OMG OMG OMG!
doesn't he know that it's actually himself?
HAHAHAHA!
but it was nice that he asked.
at least he didn't think it was somebody else.
at least he knows that it is himself.
seriously, stone is really such a stone!
he doesn't know what has been going on!
haha
i bet he's the only one in the whole world who doesn't know!
oh man!
today's seriously such a funny day!!
:D
- Mood: happy
i feel terrible today.
so i will not update.
sorry, to those who want to read something.
):
stupid doctor!
- Mood: sad
i just find it weird.
why was he so nice today?
why did he sound so friendly today?
why did he ask me such caring questions?
WEIRD!
has he been reading this webbie?
maybe, i don't know.
but anyhow, it was nice to know that he does care about the small details.
(:
BUT.
i am so sorry that i lied to him.
i told him that it doesn't matter, the things he said.
actually, it does matter to me.
oh well.
he's been nice today!
so i am really glad for it! (:
hopefully things will go well for tomorrow!
i am quite scared of the medical appointment actually.
i don't know what scary things will await me.
:X
- Mood: happy
i think he likes her.
i think he really does.
they have the same font
and
they support the same team
and
he said she's unique
while
i'm a 'common girl'.
oh man.
but i hope they will be happy together if they really are together.
):
why?
why?
WHY?!?
- Mood: sad
it wasn't that tough.
but my stupid foot hurt like crap.
did 2 sets of 3 X 50 fast sprints at 95%.
but oh well, i had to endure all the way. competition on saturday.
hopefully things will be alright.
skipped ballet today because my foot was really painful.
so i came home instead.
and desperately tried to call around and find my spikes!
so hard!
and i still couldn't get them ultimately.
shit man.
i am seriously dead for saturday.
aww crap.
anyway, i really got angry today by anonymous people.
because, singaporeans just cannot practise self-control and restraint over what they say and simply love to talk nonsense online.
what's wrong with voting for a good player man?
okay, even if the player isn't that good, just shut your trap and take it like nothing, because it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
why bother in other's affairs?
stupid commenters.
these people have brains, but choose not to use it.
weirdos.
retards.
oh whatever man.
if they do crap again, i am so going to email the administrator and get him/her/it to remove those rude comments.
mark my words.
I WILL.
uncouth.
uncivilised.
FREAKS.
and guess what.
i was supposed to study today.
but well, i am at home.
so i really can't study.
crappppp!!
why can't i freaking study at home?
damn.
maybe i should go out study tomorrow.
then perhaps i will be more productive! (:
I DESPERATELY NEED TO STUDY!!
CHEMISTRY!
MATHEMATICS!
LITERATURE!
ECONOMICS!
I AM SO SO DEAD!
2 WEEKS WORTH OF WORK CRAMMED INTO ONE WEEK ODD!
I AM SO SO SCREWED NOW!
SHIT.
anyone can coach me?
desperate PLEA.
):
oh man.
hopefully he wins in the end (:
then he can prove to everyone that he is the mighty one.
and not what others thought of him to be (:
yup yup!
go s****! GO (:
- Mood: blank
okay.
i am in a relatively better mood today, so i will talk about track camp (:
whee!
yeah so camp started on monday and ended yesterday.
it was pretty short, but nice in the sense that i think it was sufficient enough.
so we started camp at bishan stadium.
had training first, before heading back to school together.
the workout was quite scary.
150m X 4, 2 sets.
so it is 150m X 8.
but kubo only made us do 7, probably because we were all really really tired.
i clocked a good 22.3s for the first! (:
but subsequently the timings became crappy.
the sixth try was a terrible 29.4.
7 sec away from my best! ):
then kubo came to talk to me and told me to do my best for the next.
so i tried my best and clocked 25.3. (:
improved, but not too good either.
hopefully my timings will improve during tomorrow and friday's training sessions.
after all, competition on saturday!
weird it may sound, but i am more scared than nervous for it.
because it is my first time donning CJC colours and i really want to do well for it.
(:
oh hopefully, things will turn out okay! :D
then after training, we headed back to school for camp!
yay camp!
we studied for 2 hours before the real camp kicked off.
ms elaine lim is such a thoughtful teacher/coach/mentor!
she wanted the study session within the camp so that we will not lag behind in terms of our revision, since myes are continuing next week, for some of us.
thank you ms lim!
then after lunch we went to the lecture theatre for some briefing and after that the camp officially started! (:
we got into our clothes that were supposed to be dirty by the end of the day and went to the grandstand for games!
i swear i am gonna slap aaron (from field).
after the egg game, roslyn and i went to wash our hair, because we were made to crack an egg on our head.
so we went to the washing point to clean up.
and here came aaron who smacked an egg on each of our heads.
i swear that feeling sucks.
and after that we played with water bombs and ended up all wet.
i also want to kill elvin boi! for everything that happened during the water bomb game! ):
IDIOT!!
oh well anyways.
the rest of the day continued quite okay.
but i cried like shit in the night.
after the movie screening, the various captains gave our paper slips to us with messages.
i felt really sorry to everybody after reading peixuan's message.
i am such bitch.
i've not given my 100% to track and i really regretted it.
i am such a horrible person ):
oh well.
ah forget it.
i feel lazy and tired today.
will continue talking about camp in next post.
i am happy today!
because...
i am not telling!
because only the 2 of us know why!
- Mood: happy
i don't give a fuck to who is going to read this post.
and i don't care about the subsequent comments i am gonna get because of this post.
and perhaps i don't even think anyone will read because only a handful of people know of this new blog of mine.
i was supposed to sleep and recover from my fever, flu and cough.
but i don't give a shit about it and i can't sleep in the first place.
i just hope i get bloody bloody sick.
ill to the extent that i die.
probably die on the track on saturday.
at least this will bring a fullstop, an end to everything.
fuck.
just let my bloody fever rise and skyrocket.
i don't give a damn.
just let me suffer from meningitis or something and let me rot and die in my bed and let the bloody maggots feed on me.
fuck fuck fuck.
i don't give a shit.
screw medicine.
what's the point of eating it?
i've been taking pills for so many years now and the goddamn anemia doesn't seem to go away.
so what's the bloody point huh?
what's the point of taking medicine, wasting money and not seeing any results?
fuck.
tell me, what's the goddamn point of taking pills?
for fun?
let me tell you, it isn't.
medicine tastes like crap.
the pills suck.
you stupid pig.
i am damn painful now from top to toe and i all i needed was you to say things will be okay.
is it so bloody difficult.
fuck.
and don't come to me and say sorry now if you see this.
because i am telling you, it is NOT FUCKING GONNA WORK.
and it is NOT FUCKING GONNA BE USEFUL because i know such things will never come naturally from you.
and don't you know that i know you blocked me? whatever. i don't give a FUCKING DAMN ABOUT IT. do whatever you want, you stupid stone.
screw eyecandies man!
- Mood: pissed off
i initially wanted to post a big big review on the camp.
but i am in a bloody bad mood now.
so.
forget it.
does it really hurt to say something nice to a person having a bad day?
no. it doesn't.
does it really pain a person just to take the initiative and ask if somebody is okay?
no. it doesn't.
is it really that difficult just to cheer a person up when he/she is feeling like crap?
no. it isn't.
is it really that difficult to just be a nice guy?
no. it isn't.
fuck.
i am not the kind of person who will just randomly text a person saying 'i am in a bad mood'.
like how many people have received such a message before?
i am counting.
7.
mom, dad, chris elder, kris, nat, fabian and stone.
that's all.
and now that person is thinking that i am irritating him.
fine.
if that's what you bloody want, i will just leave you to lead your own glamourous, self-centred life.
asshole.
who was the one who cheered you on when you lost at matches?
who was the one who cried when you looked damn sad?
who was the one who got your all the bloody good-luck cards and wrote damn long messages in them?
who was the one who attempted oh-so-often to force you to study in a bid to make you do well for exams?
who was the one who lugged one big pile of econs notes to school to let you look through and got rejected straight in the face?
who was the one who cooked for the first time in her life for you and she cut her fingers so badly that she felt pain for so many days?
who was the one who went to every single match of the season?
who was the one who learnt to knit a scarf for your birthday present only to have the scarf screwed up by a dog?
who was the one, forget it. i am too tired to list every goddamn thing out.
fine.
i will leave you alone.
if that's what you want.
ungrateful soul.
you think i really hated you when i called you a 'meanie'?
you think i really wanted to kill you when i said so?
you think i really wanted to go all the way down to yishun to watch the match? obviously not. if not for the fact that you were playing, i wouldn't give a shit about going all the way down to some god forsaken place that i've never heard of for the whole of my life.
fuck.
you've bloody made me damn pissed for today and probably for the rest of this week and even the next.
seriously, i must be damn stupid to have done all these for you when i jolly well knew that none of it will be appreciated by you at all.
NONE OF IT AT ALL.
WAKE UP CHARLENE!!!
STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T BLOODY CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR WHETHER YOU ARE DEAD OR ALIVE.
FORGET IT.
ARGH.
this feeling really sucks.
now, i really hate him.
for everything.
for not being nice at all.
bad stone.
- Mood: infuriated
OMG.
i actually studied for the whole of today!
oh my.
this is so darn right amazing man!
CHEERS TO CHARLENE (:
still thinking of the stone up till now. ):
does he even know?
- Mood: melancholy
everything was going on perfectly fine until three plus.
i went out with granny and suddenly, my tummy started aching like hell in the cab.
as usual, i whined and screamed like crazy and i got sent to the hospital instead.
what a funny diagnosis!
stress-related cramps!
oh man.
haha :D
but oh i had some painkillers, rested for an hour then they allowed me to go home.
sighs, i ruined granny's shopping hopes!
she wanted to go to the marketplace at tanglin to get some really fresh food to cook for the family.
yes!
everyone will be returning tonight (:
mommy, chrissy and daddy are in hk waiting for chris elder to transit, before they all returned together.
finally a reunion!
urgh.
so now i guess i can't go the esplanade tonight!
sighs.
confined to the bed again.
S.I.G.H.S.
oh well, i better get well by monday for track camp! (:
and i think i am quite dead now.
granny complains that she can't communicate properly with me.
so just now i overheard her telling mommy that perhaps i should be sent for japanese classes!
NOOOO!!
i don't want! ):
aye shit!
i made him angry just now.
how?!?
sorry, stone.
- Mood:
pensive
i was supposed to sleep for the whole of today and recover from sfv, but oh wells.
i studied for 3 whole hours and now i am so tired.
ahh yes.
he is having a match in ten minutes.
hopefully all will go on fine and his team will win (:
i will be praying for them!
GO SAMEER!
GO JASPREET!
GO ZIYANG!
GO SCC (:
okays.
i am going to sleep now.
my temperature's rising again and i need to bring it down.
will eat medicine first!
okays.
will update again tomorrow.
********
YAYS!
mommy is returning with christian and daddy tonight!
and christopher promised to be back by tomorrow morning!
family reunion (:
finally.
although they will be back for only three to four days, i am glad that we can spend time with each other again (:
we need that company with each other, after this one week, which had been traumatising in its own way.
here's toast to a great tomorrow!
cheers (:
:D
- Mood: happy
because of what i've done, i know that i may be labelled as a person who runs away from reality and chooses to escape from things without resolving them. but i don't care. too much harm's been done and i know that i can't resolve them. i simply don't have the ability to even try resolving them. this feeling is the same as being driven to a corner of a room, surrounded by 5 killers holding knives and parangs. there is simply no way to escape. what i will do is to close my eyes, say a final prayer to God, and await my reconcilation with him. this is the most peaceful way out. at most, i'd die with just a few stabs. however, if i attempted to fight it out with those guys (who are probably bigger than me), there will definitely be more bloodshed and i'd be injured more and perhaps die a more painful and slow death.
the same thing applies in real life. if i try too much to justify myself or fight against what others say, more harm may be done than good. both parties will not benefit because more issues will be brought into the argument and this may even affect or impact parties that were not even involved in the whole conflict in the first place.
this is not fair to them.
furthermore, my life is pretty much screwed up as it is, so i don't need others to rub it in and toss me remarks that will only make me do foolish things like swearing at them. okay. it really isn't my choice to go overseas to study, it is because of parental preference that the education in london will be better and of course, that is if i go to a specialised school, which i was enrolled in. but the pain and torment of being alone is simply too much for me to withstand by myself, therefore i had to return.
amos commented on one of my posts in the previous LJ, saying that "see your decision till the end or live in shame and regret for not being able to see things through". i have to apologise to him for not being able to live up to his/other's expectations. i will rather live in shame here than to die there alone. i will rather return to face the laughter and criticism that to force myself to live through the entire eight years there. eight hours already felt like hell, how am i supposed to endure eight days, eight weeks, eight fortnights, eight months or even eight years? please, empathise with me, people.
don't just look at the superficials and judge me from who you perceive me to be. please try to understand what i am going through and try to know me for who i am and not for who i am. when you are forced to do things, and you get negative comments from others, it really feels like the end of the world and it is incredibly terrible. this feeling is worse than being jilted or being shamed publicly.
when the torment is too much to bear, there is too much pain. too much pain to realise the beauty of the world and too much pain to know who really cares for you. too much agony to continue loving someone, too much agony to start dreaming of love. too easy to inflict similar pain on others, too easy to give up on life and step closer to death. too simple to break the hearts of those around you, too simple to hurt those around you. i don't want these to happen, do you?
stop calling me a bitch for what had all happened because you aren't the one undergoing the entire thing so you will never know how i feel. you will never understand how difficul to walk through these times, with only one person standing by you, and you always hoped that that one person who walks by you is him, but it turned out to be somebody else, somebody totally unexpected. yet, you carry that glimmer of hope that, that somebody who you wished had been with you throught this difficult time, will somehow get to know how much you love him and want him to be happy.
life kinda sucks, doesn't it?
- Mood: calm
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cta_littlegirl- charlene (:
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